there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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