fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
