last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
