everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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