My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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