Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
