I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
