: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
