Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
