She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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