Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
