i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
