I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There's always time for handjobs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
