The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
