I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
