Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You may now shotgun with the bride
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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