I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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