I am in a vortex of obligation.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
