Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
