cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
