His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
