They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
