Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
