i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Mom said you looked used
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
