I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
