I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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