Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
