he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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