If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
