my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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