Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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