i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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