i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
