I think i peed on brittanys purse
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
