True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
