I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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