Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
