i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
