I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
