i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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