Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
