i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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