last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
