You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
