Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
