watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
