would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
