Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
