Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
