We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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