From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
